Dear Santa

This year for Christmas, all I want is a brand new 6-speed radio-control Popemobile with bonus action-waving John Paul II. I would ask my parents but they're both Protestants. I was snooping around the place in their bedroom closet were they usually hide my presents and all I saw was a book called Revealing the True Whore of Babylon. I figured that you, being a pagan, would be impartial and obliging to me in this little religious matter. Please tell Mrs. Claus I said hello. Thank you.

Sincerely,

F'er

(Revisit an oldie while you're at it)

"Should I stay or should I go?"

Because you've got to let me know...

Should I stay or should I go?

My fate is in your hands, tied to a string, swinging over a piece of notebook paper that has been divided into two roughly equal halves by a red vis-a-vis pen, the left side labeled YES and the right side labeled NO. I am hoping you will drop it on top of the former, but you apparently haven't decided yet and the suspense is KILLING ME!

I don't like to be dragged along forever like an inanimate, unfeeling object. You have to remember that my fate is partially in your hands. What good are desires if we can never have them because there are tyrants guarding over them? Tyrants tend to be irrational and greedy, hoarding the things we want when they could freely give them to us with little effort or loss. Tyrants make you get down on your knees and beg. So you do! And then there are still no guarentees!

Dealing with you is a gamble. The stakes are pretty high this time, and I'm playing against house favoratism! What do you want from me, collateral? The promise of unwavering stewardship? Would you throw me a bone if I vowed to sacrifice my firstborn?

I'm not a perfect man, but I'm trying damn it! I know I don't deserve things to be perfect, but do they have to be bleak? Can't you at least give me the YES for now? I'm begging you! It's a small favor for something that would mean so much to me! I'll pay you back! Whatever you ask! I've got to make a decision soon, and I need to know if I'm gonna have your support in staying here!

And so you've got to let me know...

Should I stay or should I go?

...

Should I stay or should I go NOW?!!

(listen to "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash - simply b/c it rocks)

hE:ll, SE:ll, BE:ll

My room is the warmest place in the house, and also the most aesthetically pleasing. The kitchen is an ugly, perennial sinkhole that resists cleaning. The living room is poorly lit and…well, cold. Sundown occurred around 4:30 yesterday, long before I left the house for the day. I saw the twilight blue of approaching night through the veil of my white curtain; a smattering of pink on the distant horizon prompted me to peel it back, but only a smidge, and only for a brief moment. The heating system runs somewhere near my room. It vents warm air outside, and there’s a constant spraying sound that resembles either a malfunctioning sprinkler or an amplified spitting baby. Let’s hope it never stops, because the temperatures have not reached above the freezing point for days now.

Outside, I have a car, but nowhere to go. It is expensive to drive, expensive to eat, expensive to seek after anything that will stimulate any kind of genuine excitement. I cannot muster the motivation to brave a walk, and so my legs are at rest on my chair or in my bed. I look at the clock at least 40 times a day.

Heaven, to me, is an arcology in the midst of a barren, polluted, and desolate wasteland. I walk two hallways and an elevator to work. I live in a comfortable bungalow half a mile above the frozen ground, and there are no curtains on my window. There is no need. It is easy for me to spend several pleasant hours looking out my window, picking out distant places in the wild landscape. I imagine being set down in these random locations; I try to envision the different perspectives from these distant pieces of ground. There is no need to leave the arcology. No need to be cold.

Time moves along, but I remain in my room.

hE:ll

SE:ll

. . .

BE:ll

Alone in my warm room, sleep shakes off all pressures and pains of being alive and well.