hardness on the brow

My life is like a volatile substance. And I am an incompetant scientist. Somebody pushed me into an expensive laboratory with a new immaculate white coat and told me to observe this chemical. I don't know what it's doing. It's splitting and conjoing and exploding and bubbling. As soon as I notice something worth recording my cell phone rings and I have to answer it. Or I reach into my pocket protector to realize that I left my pen somewhere around the room, and by the time I find it and get ready to jot down information on my notepad the chemical's behavior has already changed, and I forget what it was I had planned on writing down in the first place.

What's with my crazy similes and metaphors anyway? Really, this is nothing more than a classic example of blogging about blogging. What makes things worse, why I feel even more ridiculous, is the fact that I just wrote about two paragraphs and lost them because I went to a new web site in the same window. I've just spent the last ten minutes or so trying to rewrite what I had already written, and for some reason it doesn't sound nearly as good as it had before. That's frustrating. All a part of what I was talking about. Now that happened and my feelings have changed.

Oh man. I need a vacation. Luckily, I'm getting one. Pretty much starting now. But I'm tired and still stressed about school and work and school and relationships. I never intended this to be a journal. But it has kind of replaced my journal, which was updated infrequently anyway. There's probably only a couple people at best who read this, one of them likely being myself. My feelings have gotten in the way of my art.

But I still want to say something interesting. And something interesting happened today. I have a quote that I heard from an astronomer today:

"In the beginning there was hydrogen and helium."

Wow! The way he said it was not Biblical or profound. I don't even think he realized then how ironically funny this sounded, at least to someone like me. Whenever I hear a sentence start with "In the beginning..." my mind is confronted with unfathomability and religious theology. It makes me want to insert some deductive reasoning and begin a Third Testament:

"God is hydrogen and helium."

But then I would have to accuse myself of heresy and get some friends to burn me at the stake. And that would be awkward. Then later today, I read the opening of a William Faulkner story:

"At first there was nothing."

Granted, it's easy to take a sentence out of context, and I need to read the continuing 23 pages of the story. But I'm pretty sure there was an intentional religious allusion on the part of the author. It's hard for us humans to understand the beginning. We're not supposed to understand it. We don't remember being born. There might as well have been nothing before our existence, because what is the purpose of anything but for our own interaction with it?

There was always God. Weird. And there was not always us, but there always will be? Eternity. Weird. My life feels volatile and changing. God is changeless. Will my life always be an unstable liquid? Especially if my life never ends. Unfathomability. God is hydrogen and helium? People should not talk to me, in spoken or written word. I've heard enough for a lifetime to play around with and figure out. Give me 2,000 years to order everything I have observed thus far. Check up on me. Maybe then I will be ready for more. Or just give me five minutes and maybe I'll forget it all.